Appreciate 

The way you handled yourself this time; impressive and in a way sexy.  There’s a way in which you tell someone what you think. And there’s a way to go about things. You did it in a different, great way. Telling me to sort my shit out is what I need. Straight to the point, let me apologise… And then we Move on.

I appreciate it so much more than arguing. I just wish we did that sooner….

Only us

only me and you could wake up in the middle of the night and argue about something that isn’t even true,

Only me and you could have a kiss that felt like it was the first time, one year on:

Only me and you could cuddle in the car for hours and it feel like heaven,

Only me and you could argue one minute and be so in love the next;

Only me and you! 

Signs

Signs.

This whole week I didn’t speak to you, and I can only see two parts of your social media! Twitter and Instagram. You kept sending me signs… Some bad, some good. They started off bad… Little comments or things to annoy me, but it really just made me not want to talk to you even more… It really disappointed me. Then they turned to good signs. That was harder to deal with as its your actual emotion. Unless your very clever and just making it all up, you actually showed your emotion. Something I tried to continuously get you to do for a year! That’s usually when I crack! But I didn’t want to crack! You said sorry and I was so thankful but you still told me you didn’t want to talk to me before I went and you still said hurtful things and at the moment, that’s my last memory of you. That’s the way it ended and you may think that of me, but I found it easier to walk away knowing how much I cried and tried to apologise and kept calling back. In the end I knew it wasn’t getting me anywhere so I did what you told me to do and fuck off. And that’s my last memory. So yes it was easier not to talk to you that way… But then the good signs began…and  you know how to toy with my mind and emotions! 
So this is where the ‘fate’ stepped in. I was asleep randomly the other night; and I had let my phone die ( I never let my phone die as my alarm but it was my day off so I did) but then I woke up about 3.30 and something in my head kept bugging me to charge it…. So I did, then I went on it for a bit as I couldn’t sleep… And at 4am,
I get a call from ‘withheld’ but I know it’s you…. I was in shock. If I had of been asleep my phone would of not gone off and I wouldn’t of seen it, if I hadn’t charged my Phone I wouldn’t of even known. And this one night I had my phone in my hand you called… It’s like you knew! I even looked on social media to see if there was anyway you knew I was awake but there wasn’t. It was ‘weird fate’! Anyway I answered it, but I didn’t put the phone to my ear, i was still sooo mad and had nothing to say to you! So I hung it up….and just laid there, amazed.
And yet the signs keep coming, some cute yet some making me not want to talk to you… I guess I will just have to see what the next sign is. 

There’s sorry and then there’s no sorry…

So me and the ex have been doing the usual going round in circles lately, breaking up, making up, breaking up again…being all loved up then hating each other; loving each other perfectly then arguing aggressively… And this weekend another massive arguement happened…

Horrible things were said, and I regret what I said, just like I did the minute I said it and apologised prefusely. I kept crying and then I become the crazy girl that I hate so much. In my defence it was only somewhat the truth what I said, however it was hurtful and I respect him more than to back myself up so I admitted I was wrong and apologised. However instead of accepting my apology his angry, uncontrollable self came out shouting f**k off to me and also calling me the c*** word a lot! Even then I called back to apologise again and I kept allowing him to hang up on me. It took me 16 times to call back before he actually listened to me and didn’t shout abuse!

………

So there I was crying, sobbing, apologising down the phone on my lunch break for 45 minutes; and what did he do? He told me that I was a c*** and deserved to be called that and all of the horrible words he was saying were only because of what I said ( even though I apologised) and he also said that he was a saint compared to me. 

The rest of the phone call was a bit of a blur… I know horrible words were exchanged on both parts and I know I apologised for my wrong doing and kept calling back even though he was constantly shouting abuse at me ( whether it be my fault or not); I guess it’s just my guilty conscience not wanting to end on bad terms; and I remember he kept shouting that at this Moment he didn’t care how I felt and he wanted me to leave him alone and he wouldn’t talk to me either. 

After about 45 minutes, somewhat because I wasn’t getting anywhere apologising, aside from being told how angry he was; and mainly because my lunch break was over; something in me clicked and I just said fine you don’t want me to speak to you ok, and then I said something sarcastic and rude just to make me feel better and hung up. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t really mean, it was just something like ‘go have fun talking to girls’ or something; and off I poodled back to work; and thank god for work otherwise I would of kept calling him!

I have no idea what happened in that conversation as we have been through ones like that millions of times before but it felt like something just clicked! Suddenly I thought OK you don’t want to talk to me, FINE! Whereas usually I beg and cry for forgiveness; even if I’m not the one who’s wrong! I think I finally had just given up arguing and had enough. 
Something in me Suddenly realised; no I am not being spoken to like that; not anymore anyway! How dare he call me all of those things and find them acceptable; how dare he shout abuse at me when I’m crying; who does that; because someone that loves you and cares for you does not do that! How dare he tell me not to speak to him again and he’s a saint next to me, after shouting abuse at me. For one thing, I do wrong, I know
I do wrong and I apologise when I do; and I sure as hell am not a saint but I do know when it’s time to say sorry!
And after all that, he didn’t even apologise; he didn’t even call back or text or anything. Not one single word! And he’s the saint? The saint who things it’s acceptable to call the person you ‘love’ a c*** and say you don’t care about how they feel because of one mistake!
So after all of that, something in me just clicked… And I know I don’t want to be near someone like that, and especially not someone who brainwashes me into making me feel guilty to think it’s all my fault and he’s only mean because of me. I’ve only just realised that just because I do something wrong, doesn’t give him the right to do something wrong too! 
If someone stabs someone, does that make it ok for the victim to stab someone else, NO! And that’s what I keep remembering when I start to feel in the wrong or guilty… 
And I can honestly say, it has been 4 days and I still have nothing to say to him, I still have anger towards him and I still don’t want to talk to someone who thinks its acceptable to treat me like that… I just hope I stay this way…

A poem that I wrote to you! 

I wrote this about 3 months ago for my ex and I just wanted to share it with you… 

Last winter I was hurt and alone, 

     Then you crossed my path and walked me into the unknown,

There’s a reason I met you in my time of need,

When you looked at me you planted a seed,
You made me realise, you made me forget,
You made me fall for you even though we just met,
You made me laugh when I didn’t want to smile,
You made me realise that love was worthwhile,
We became so amazing together, so natural and so true,
It was the artist and the writer, it was me and you.
We were the super couple, the couple to be,
Then we revealed our faults, both you and me,
Your love turned to anger, my love turned to fears,
Our laughter became bickering, our smiles became tears,
Things were different, we loved but lost the old us,
But we never once lost the spark so that’s definitely a plus. 
We had our ups, we had our downs,
We’ve had our agreements we’ve had our rounds,
But through it all we’ve been through so much together,
and I can’t imagine my life without you not now not ever 


I love you too the moon and back why can’t you see,
I don’t want anyone else because your perfect to me! 

Things to NOT do during/after a break-up

Phoenix Face

Did you recently break up with someone? Are you having regrets about how it was handled? There’s no going back in time, but at least keep these rules in mind for the next time (knock on wood) that you are going through a break-up.

1) Number one: decide before you break up if you really truly want to break up, as in potentially never see this person ever again. Or perhaps you are wanting to break up because you are upset about something regarding them or the relationship. If the former, then make a firm commitment to ending things quickly and efficiently. There is no use in prolonging the inevitable if the relationship is just never going to work, no matter what. If the latter, then instead of breaking up you probably just need to sit down and have a deep, honest discussion. Is there a sense that you can…

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A vile deep love

It’s been at least 4 months since I’ve written on here… I wish I could say that I have overcome paranoia in my relationships and me and my ‘boyfriend’ are happy together. I wish. 

The reality is that we are broken up…. After a lot of swearing, shouting, horrible words exhanged on both parts and my ‘crazy lady’ syndrome coming out once again to haunt me, we are no longer an item.

But yes, I do still very much love him.

We argue, fight and break into crazy uncontrollable fits of rage at each other… But when we look back they are over the most miniscule problems that any other couple would just over come and fix, however we didn’t do that; we instead seem locke horns and come out with scars, bruises and a broken heart!

We have done nothing majorly wrong in the relationship that would make us hate each other, besides maybe my crazy outburst, yet we are so vile towards each other we can’t go back.

No one wants us together as we tear each othe apart. But when we love, we love so deeply and haven’t ever felt another connection like it. 

It may sound cheesy, but fate always brings us back to each other. We always talk again, meet up again and we always get reminded of each other in little ways.. and so far we haven’t let go… Not yet…