Today I had my hypnotherapy consultation. I told her about my past experiences of my family and also my past relationships, being cheated on etc. She explained what hypnotherapy was and how it works and she said she was really looking forward to working with me as she already knew of a few techniques to try out with me. I booked myself in for my first session in a few weeks and I honestly can’t wait. I know that hypnotherapy and counseling are not magic wands to instantly make me stop being paranoid but hopefully it will calm me down and relax me, and hopefully do some good.
It’s worth a try right?
Month: June 2014
Snapchat: The app of all evils
Snapchat: that app of all evils.
So most of you who are up to date with technology, you will probably know about the app snapchat. For those of you that don’t know, snapchat is an app in which people can send photos to each other ( and was initially designed so that people could send naked photos to each other) and then instantly are deleted after about 9 or 10 vseconds, unless you screenshot the photo, which in that case the person that sent it can see you have done that.
You can send photos of your drunk nights out and you never have to worry about it being sprawled all over the Internet, you can take a cheeky selfie and send it to a person you like, you can send just about anything you want and then it will be deleted in seconds. Sounds fun right?
For any ‘normal minded’ person this may seem fun, and an another innocent way to communicate with your friends; to me, someone with severe paranoia and trust issues, it is my idea from hell!
I know if you do not suffer from trust issues or paranoid thoughts you probably won’t understand what I am talking about because it’s hard to understand something you have never felt. It’s like trying to feel what fainting is like when you have never fainted. But I will try to explain…
Being severely paranoid means everything becomes an issue, the opposite sex, your everyday life and most of all ( in my case) technology. Technology means that we have access to our phones and the internet every minute of the day and things can be deleted at the click of a finger. I know what your thinking… Surely if someone loved you they wouldn’t delete anything would they? But when you have first handedly been lied too through technology and had your heartbroken and felt that pain, you may understand how easy it is to lie and cheat with our technology.
So back to snapchat; an app which is designed to delete things… Can you now see why it’s ‘the app from hell’ for me? So when me and my ex were officially together, we both had it; and the amount of arguements it caused us were endless… See you can also see the top 3 people you have been snapchatting and they are not always 100 percent accurate… So if a girl was to go on the top of my exes ( then boyfriends) snapchat I was on it like a shot; asking questions. Who are they? Do you like them? Why have you been talking too them? And that caused countless arguements…
I bet your thinking ‘wow what a pyscho’ or ‘what a paranoid freak’ and reading it back the fact I act like that sometimes makes me feel psychically sick, but that’s just what comes into my head being a paranoid person… and after all that the truth was probably that he was just having a general chat with a girl.
Then just as I thought things couldn’t get worse with technology; an update came. An update where you can talk to people through a messenger system on snapchat and it’s instantly deleted, and even worse, you can talk to someone for as much as you want on the app and it won’t come up on your top friends. So you can secretly talk to someone and it’s automatically deleted for you. I mean from a normal persons point of you it’s just technology moving with the times; but too me it seems so worrying. I know people would cheat or lie without the app, but with this they don’t even have to delete the evidence because it’s all done for them!
This update threw me and caused so many more arguements between me and my ex. I then decided to delete the app.. And I can honestly say I haven’t looked back, and I don’t miss it. My boyfriend at the time also deleted it too, as he didn’t use it much and for my piece of mind which I am very grateful for; however he doesn’t understand my obsession with hating it, but why would he? He doesn’t have paranoia and trust issues so to him it’s just a bit of fun.
I know that for some people this will seem pathetic and crazy but for people with mental disorders, I hope you can relate to this in some way; and for the rest, I envy you for having the ability to have such simple things like apps in your life which do not trigger bad memories or thoughts; but for now it will remain my idea of hell.
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without waking up to a text to make me smile
How do I live without calling you when I’m upset
How do I live with counseling knowing your not there to see me after
How do I think of our memories knowing we may not make more
How do I live with sleeping knowing I won’t wake up next to you
How do I smile knowing your not by my side
How do I live without you; I don’t know how and most importantly I don’t want too.
An update to being a paranoid pyscho
An update to being a paranoid pyscho
I haven’t written for ages as I have had so much in my mind that I have wanted to wrote about that has happened that I have put it all off. But I guess I should start to write it all before I forget, so I will start off with an update on my love life.
So my ex boyfriend of nearly 6 months dumped me about 6 weeks ago due to my paranoid issues and anger outbursts, however unlike most guys he still talked to me constantly and meets up with me. We decided it was best to stay broken up in order for me to take counseling lessons and sort out my trust issues from my past and if we still loved each other in a few months we would get back together. Well…. That hasn’t really happened. It seems we can’t keep away from each other.. We meet up, argue, fight and love each other like we are together… But we aren’t. We just can’t seem to let go but today we decided to not contact each other for a month and give each other some space. I need it for myself to get better and he does to have fun with his friends and realize if he truly does miss me… Let’s hope so.
How do you let go?
How do you let go?
How do you stop talking to someone you want to spend every minute with,
How do you stop thinking about something that is on your mind constantly,
How do you try to move on when you don’t want to at all,
How do you say goodbye when you just want to say hello,
How do you let go when you think they are the one?
Someone On Your Doorstep
It’s time to rip the bandaid.
If he loved you, he’d be here. On your front step. Like a freakin Taylor Swift song. Because that’s what people do when they’re in love and they truly value the happiness of the person they care about.
I used to think I was the only person who took a long time to stop missing someone I loved. I used to think everyone else had better emotional insulation than I. But I have come to discover that this is not the case. Humanity is many things, but it is not forgetful.
You may not believe this about yourself dearheart, but you have staying power. If he cared about you once, he cares about you still in some way. Those feelings didn’t just evaporate with your presence. He remembers you and he thinks about you and sometimes he misses you so much he can’t see…
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